The Moral Police wants you 14

So many disturbing things are happening in the country. You must have heard of that disgusting incident in Kochi? I hesitate to write anything here since this is a family paper, but some boys and girls were caught red-handed in a coffee shop. It seems they were doing all kinds of depraved things—talking to each other, laughing together, and even, I have heard, drinking Italian coffee from big mugs. Can you imagine?

As an ordinary citizen, you may feel powerless to stop such open disrespect of our culture, our morals and, most importantly, our coffee. But fear not, there is a way for the truly zealous. Do you wake up every day with a terrible itching in your backside to improve society? Does the idea of fame, adulation and unlimited desi-ghee make your chest puff up like a 56-inch bhatura? Then maybe, just maybe, my fellow Indian, you are eligible to join the ranks of the most elite institution in the country, the Indian Institute of Moral Police (IIMP).

Now, IIMP doesn’t take any garden-variety patriot. No, sir. You must first pass the Anti-Social Service exam, known colloquially as AS(S). This is followed by a demanding interview and a short practical test. Only a handful of Moral Police officers are selected every year. Out of these, only those floating on the creamy malai layer get to serve an active mission of rioting and goonda-giri. Your great moral mission, should you choose to accept it, could be anywhere. On land, under water, or in hot air.

Luckily for you, I spoke to some Moral Police officers who have cracked their AS(S) with very high marks. They revealed the secret characteristics that the IIMP panel looks for in an officer.

(1) The ideal Moral Police officer has strict moral values–for others. You should demonstrate utter confidence in the superiority of your morals over everyone else’s. In fact, even your immoral behaviour is better than others’ immoral behaviour. For example, let’s say some boys are mingling with girls in a modern way. This is immoral, obscene and the main cause for the pollution of the Ganga. But let’s say you watch porn or visit a red-light area. This is irrelevant.

Such a positive attitude will also help in handling tricky media questions about hypocrisy.

(2) The ideal Moral Police officer knows how to distinguish good from evil. Being in the IIMP requires you to think on your feet. You will need to make quick judgements on what is good and what is evil. Remember, the law doesn’t matter one bit. If it involves Western culture and/or women, it is usually evil. Women drinking alcohol, for example–evil. Men smoking beedis–not evil. Sadhus being high on ganja–not evil.

(3) Moral Police officers should be able to produce a Noble Cause (NOC) certificate at a moment’s notice. The public may ask why you are not doing anything positive to improve the country, why you want to spread violence, etc. To answer this, you must be able to quickly whip out one or two Noble Causes. For example, if someone asks, “Why are you vandalising some poor person’s business?”, you must reply, “We are protecting innocent children from Italian coffee.”

If someone asks, “Why are you beating up Indian women?”, you should say, “We are preserving Ayurvedic herbs.” Remember, Noble Causes don’t need to be true or logical.

(4) A Moral Police officer should be fit enough to leap to exaggerated conclusions. The more shocking your exaggeration, the better. Silly people will ask you, “Why target coffee shops? What can happen in a coffee shop?”. If you’re smart you will say, “Fine. Why don’t you open a beedi shop in your son’s school then, eh? Eh?”

Or if someone says, “I don’t see harm in boys talking to girls.”, answer with something like, “Oh, you don’t see the harm? Maybe tomorrow, you will tell your son to join ISIS.”

Last but not the least, appear calm and confident. Show that you can perpetrate a little violence and still believe you have God on your side. Don’t worry about showing your temper. Save all that for Valentine’s Day. As a wise man once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to your country.” I wish you good luck, comrades. May the force be with you.


[This is the unedited version of my column published in Deccan Chronicle/Asian Age on 9 November 2014

14 thoughts on “The Moral Police wants you

  1. Reply venkat Nov 9,2014 9:59 am

    Hi Suchi, i had read you content on DC, finally i found that your are well come to the youngsters to freedom society which is no moral values and ready to do **** in public because they have the right and you played jokes at moral policing people who they did for the society much more, in recent days i read lot of columns against the protesters who did protested “KISS OF LOVE” event, my dear all columns writer its very bad in INDIA society and they feel very great and heroic feeling to write the against moral police.

  2. Reply N.V.SANKARAN Nov 9,2014 3:32 pm

    Madam, before writing such a trash, you should have verified the facts instead of blindly believing the ground realities.

    First of all, the report about alleged immroal activities going on in the restaurant was not a creation of the Yuva Morcha or any other Sangh Parivaar organizations. The report was published by the pro-Congress Jaihind TV.

    After watching the report, the Yuva Morcha activists went to the restaurant to ascertain the veracity of the report. The restaurant owners prevented tried to prevent them. This led to arguments and some window panes were broken in the ensuing scuffle. After all this, the restaurant converted the place where alleged immoral activities were reported to be going on into a regular parking space.

    You should remember that not a single guest was reported to have been hurt in the so-called “moral policing”.

    Now, think about the following. If nothing immoral was taking place there, why did the restaurant authorities initiate any legal action for defamation against the Jaihind channel first instead of attacking the Yuva Morcha? If the Yuva Morcha was against what you call freedom to kiss in public, why did they not attack any guests there who were mostly High School/College students?

    The entire “Kiss of Love” campaign is a sign of the pseudo secular brigades getting rattled at the rise of BJP and the Sangh Parivaar organizations in Kerala. It has nothing to do with pesronal freedom, freedom of expression or Indiavidual freedom.

  3. Reply Girish KC Nov 13,2014 2:30 pm

    Fantastic writing, Suchi!!!
    These moral police guys have no problem perpetuating violence (it is part of Indian culture) but guys and girls seen together is so anti Indian.

  4. Reply Srini Dec 7,2014 3:09 pm

    Read your DC article on astrology today and enjoyed it immensely .. So checked out your blog.. The responses to this blog of yours prove that India has no future.. That is ok by me but don’t stop writing ..

  5. Reply Tanay Dec 8,2014 6:15 pm

    for them moral policing is a way to preserve there misperceived indian culture and a way to throw some good coffee away.
    indian culture has always be assimilating positives from different culture and is dynamic.
    its not heroic we feel to write against moral police….we feel it bcoz we are better in understanding indian culture and learn our morals from our conscience. we dare to choice between whats correct and wrong.
    keep blogging. suchi!!… ur writing.

  6. Reply mubeen shaikh Jan 4,2015 3:25 pm

    hi suchi govindrajan..I read your article published in DC “Happy. homecomings ” ..great writing. ..interesting and at the same time passing a serious message. . I’m hopeful that your thoughts replicate the youngsters beliefs and mindset. .looking forward and eagerly waiting for your next..thank you for your real representation of majority in our country. .

  7. Reply Kiran Jan 5,2015 5:48 pm

    This is beautifully written. Thank you so much.

  8. Reply Sakshi Jan 8,2015 1:35 pm

    Hi, Suchi! I am a 19 year old who read this piece up in the newspaper! I must say, your sense of humour and sarcasm, is amazing! I really can’t help laughing each time I go through it! Thanks!

  9. Reply Pallipuram Feb 3,2015 5:01 am

    Dear Suchi,
    I am wondering, who is a moral police,who can be one, by virtue of what. Indian society is full of double standards.I am appalled by old around sixtyish jayalakshmi iyengar ,talking ,making vulgar comments, all in the name of being about writing an article on these kind of mamis and mamas who have nothing in their mind but….,and talking about platonic relationship,aren’t they the real low class. why are they more interested in other people’s lives rather .hope the present generation bring about some change.keep up your writing.On the lighter note hope these hypocrites disappear.

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